Mixed Emotions

Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays!

This is probably the time of year when I do my most in-depth thinking.  

I have completed my first official semester of college.  6 A's and 1 C+!  I most certainly was not expecting that seeing it was a boatload of classes, but I did it and I am very happy with myself.

Who said coming home for the holidays was going to be easy?  Oh, wait.  No one did!  Ha ha.  Being home is different.  Some parts of me don't want to go back, but I love it there, so why shouldn't I?  I'm doing what I love and I know I'm supposed to be there.  Being there feels so right.  It's meant to be.  However, coming home for only two weeks is a challenge.  At Thanksgiving I spent a lot of my time out with friends instead of family.  In some ways, I regret that.  Now I'm home for almost a week and a half longer.  I haven't spent much time with friends, but I do miss them.  I'll be home for 4 1/2 months for summer, and that'll be filled with working and trying to keep up with friends and family.  There's a lot of stuff going on in my hometown and with my family that being gone can make me feel like I'm completely left out of the loop.  But I know they haven't forgotten about me, just that there is simply a lot of stuff going on that sometimes it's hard to keep up with telling people.  Now I'm going to be going back to school very soon.  I'm going to have another awesome and memorable semester.  I am practically used to the being away from home thing now.  It should feel "normal" this time around.  "I love life."

My friends are ... amazing.  I have so many close friends, sometimes it can feel a little odd because they aren't necessarily all in the same "group" type of thing.  Everyone is different and somehow I am able to balance them all.  I love that.  And I love that all my friends accept me for me.  I am very friendly and all, but being hearing impaired can make it really be hard for people to be friends with me.  I'm glad I have the friends I do.  I wouldn't trade any one of them.  I love them all.

Family is such a precious gift in life.  I am so very grateful to have the family I do.  I look up to my sister all the time.  She's my only actual sister.  She's my role model.  When she got engaged I started looking at relationships differently.  Now I get to watch her and her husband, which can be very entertaining sometimes.  (Ha ha)  My oldest brother is incredible.  The things he's done and accomplished in life is admirable.  He's got a great family and I'm very proud of him.  My older brother ... well, he's a tough one.  =)  I love the moments when we get to have heart to heart conversations when I get to feel like he actually cares about me.  I still remember when he left on his mission.  I missed him so much.  It was just three weeks before my sweet 16.  For him to coincidentally leave the MTC the morning of my birthday was miraculous.  He was able to call and I got to talk to him on my birthday, along with getting the present I wanted; he got my younger brother and me scriptures and also a witty birthday card.  I didn't get to do anything for him and his birthday which was only a couple days before, but he humble and didn't ask anything of me.  My younger brother can be a challenge sometimes.  We used to practically hate each other, and now we too can have heart-felt conversations.  Though he has his personally struggles, he's still my brother and cares.  At times I'll think of how much he's changed being home-schooled, and how much I have benefited from it as well.  My parents are the best I could ever ask for.  I can't imagine having better.

The extended (yet immediate to me) family includes amazing people.  I wish I lived closer to my mom's parents so I could know them better and better understand them as well.  Along with my aunt and uncle and my baby cousin.  I've never met him, but hopefully I will in the near future.  My mom's other sister's family is awesome.  After not seeing them in years, when we were reunited, it felt as if we never parted and always were gathering.  We bonded so well.  On my dad's side of the family things are different.  The aunts, uncles, and cousins I've been seeing a lot of because they live closer, we don't talk.  My Thanksgivings and Christmases with them always feel weird now.  The only cousin I really ever talked to stopped coming ten years ago and in the time since then, we've grown apart.  The only people I really talk to are my parents, grandparents, and siblings.  I feel so lonely at our family gatherings.  I know it'll change in the future.  Everyone even kept talking about how this might have been our last Christmas gathering.  Maybe it's time to start gathering within our own immediate families.  Even though I sometimes appear antisocial at the gatherings, I really don't want that.  I like the gatherings because it's my family and I love them all.

What scared me the most this holiday was my grandma is in worse condition than before.  She's also talking a lot about giving up.  None of us want her to give up.  My grandfather's cousin's 90 for crying out loud.  She's got a long way to go ... but she's in pain.  I have seeing her suffer.  I don't want her to leave yet.  I remember being about ten-years-old and her saying she wasn't going to be around much longer.  She's been saying that for years!  But I remember telling her that she was going to be at my wedding and she couldn't die until after the birth of at least my first child.  I have no idea what to expect.  She has 4 great-grandchildren.  My step cousin became a father just two days before Christmas.  How incredible is that!?  She's a great-grandmother and all her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren love her very much.  However, she wasn't even expecting to make it through this Christmas.  I can't let her give up, not yet!  She's almost 80; that's something to look forward to.  I love and I don't want to lose her.  She just have my sister and me our special rings.  It's so weird to open a box and see a ring when I'm not even being proposed to.  I don't even have man, ha ha.  I just wish there were simpler ways to make her happier.

Life can certainly be interesting at times.  No matter what comes our way, we must stay strong and never give up.  We were put on earth at this time because we are strong enough to handle what the world is at this point in time.  Nothing is put upon us that we can't handle with the help of God and his son, Jesus Christ.  Whatever comes my way, I will handle carefully.  No one said life was going to be easy.  Life can be full of surprises.  Live, love, and laugh.  All positive outlooks on life and anything in general make life that much better.  Happy New Year and I wish everyone the best in all!